I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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