Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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