I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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