so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize