Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You were trust falling into bushes
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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