masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
