I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
