I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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