when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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