did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
