Just cropdusted the office
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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