my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
