Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
