It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Well I just put wine in my tea
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
