Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
