I met the friendliest cop last night
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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