Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
