I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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