i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
