plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
