im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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