Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
