I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
