drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
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i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
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The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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