Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
