yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I love having hate sex.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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