Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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