I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My vagina just recognized that song.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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