Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize