bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
