Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
