Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i think my tv is drunk
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
whose parrot is this?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
