Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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