dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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