Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
