He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
