i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
