Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
