I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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