I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
