I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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