yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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