he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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