I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
