Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
