You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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