my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
