Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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