I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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