wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
