My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize