im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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