and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
