so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
