You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
