Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
